Pigs may have flown recently. I went to the gym and worked out with Richie, well, two times actually. And we liked each other afterward.
I was able to do this because….wait for it…I rejoined the gym. It’s true. I swear.
But you know what? Now when I go to the gym it’s not what I remember. I can’t help but looking at it the way that Richie does.
#1 You’re Hyper Critical Of Your Globo Gym And You’ve Never Once Set Foot In A CrossFit
I find myself on the elliptical trying to focus on reading the closed captioning for the news and not lip sync to my playlist too obviously, when I spot a trainer with a “one day cert” (as my husband and brother-in-law call it) coaching his client to perform a free weight exercise with bad form. I cringe. I want to text Richie a video of it. I’m not 100% sure it’s bad form but I worry that the client might be going home with an injury. I’d have never noticed this before, but now I do.
Then there are some guys, also in the free weight section, who either fit the beer gut/huge bicep mold or the slender yet robo arm/ chicken leg combo mold. I try not to mentally judge (I’d never discourage anyone from their efforts to improve their health) but why would someone only strengthen one part of their body? This of course, is not normally what I’d think about while on the elliptical. Can you guess who planted those sneaky seeds in my head? I’m so glad however that he has contaminated my thinking in this way. #mentalmonsanto
After having two kids, although I try my best to remain active, I usually only engage in certain types of exercise. These have only made a scratch in the weak zone that is my core. My flexibility has improved. Balance has improved. Cardio too. Pilates was the closest my core has come to being challenged, which is something, but then I’d hit a plateau after doing the same video for too long.
Now Richie has me trying functional movements that will truly keep my core guessing, work multiple muscle groups at one time, and don’t involve doing the same repetitive motions on a machine like a lemming. In fact I can barely sit, stand or lay on one of those things without picturing myself as a lemming. So basically, I’m ruined for the machines.
#2 You Have To Remind Your Husband That It’s Not Seemly To Carry Around White Powder In Little Baggies
I don’t know when I became used to it but the first few times I got in the family car to go somewhere and realized there was a bag of mysterious white or cream colored powder sitting in the passenger seat, I quickly tucked it in the center console. Mentally I reasoned it was innocent enough to have protein powder ready for your next post workout snack but somehow I just couldn’t get over the fact that it looked quite shady. Richie laughed when I brought it up to him and recently his protein powder baggies have made their way into a proper gym bag where they make a bit more sense contextually.
You can imagine Richie’s disappointment, however, when I reminded him that his little baggies may not pass airport security checks while packing for our last vacation.
#3 Your Kids Get Air Squats As A Consequence
Richie and I both try to instill a love of healthy living into our kids by being consistent examples. I’m pretty decent about the healthy eating thing and I also try to suggest traditional family fitness activities such as family walks and bike rides. Richie takes it a bit further. Our kids have been known to “help” daddy film himself for the blog or to check his form on a new movement he’s practicing. Our kids wield broom sticks while performing mini deadlifts and think that burpees are fun.
And then there’s the air squats. Air squats have become a minor consequence in the parenting playbook.
Big brother wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings and knocked his sister down? “I’m sorry” and add air squats.
Little sister couldn’t resist the temptation of playing with brother’s latest Lego masterpiece? “I’m sorry” and add air squats.
Sometimes I might come home from running errands and find them all doing air squats in unison. Air squats make a lot of wrongs right apparently. And of course they need to be below parallel.
#4 Your Open Floor Plan Becomes A Runway For Hand Stand Walks
After living in a few places in the last ten years, Richie and I have found we really enjoy having an open living/dining/kitchen concept floor plan. I attribute this to the ability to interact with the family while working in the kitchen. It’s really nice for having chats about the day while making dinner. It really promotes that whole “home is a soft landing place” type vibe.
For Richie an added bonus is a nice long, uninterrupted expanse of flooring to practice his hand stand walks. You can imagine how this activity meshes with my “trying to make my home a soft landing place” goal. There is definitely no conversing happening when a handstand walk is in progress. I’m getting to tolerate it, mostly. Did I mention we have wood flooring? Not exactly a soft landing place if your physical feat ends badly.
#5 You Have To Gently Break It To Your Husband That You Are Pretty Sure You Did Not Shrink His Pants In The Laundry
By pants I mean 100% POLYESTER dress pants. Did you know polyester does not shrink? I know this thanks to a college class I took called Textile Science, where my final was to identify types of fabric using only a visual inspection, a hot water soak test, a stretch test and finally a burn test. So I can say with relative authority that polyester does not shrink. I have to remind Richie of this when he swears that the aforementioned pants have shrunk.
I’m sure other beast wives must have experienced moments like this. (Maybe there’s a support group?)
“Are you sure you didn’t shrink them? They are a tad too short and tight in the butt.”
“It’s your butt.”
“Yeah, it’s getting to be a problem.”
“We just got you those new dress pants six months ago. And now you’ve outgrown them. At this rate you’ll be outgrowing clothes faster than the kids.”
I’m just kidding. Well sort of. It’s serious pain to shop for these guys and their butts.
Like a lot of wives, I enjoy buying new clothes for my husband and encouraging him to try new styles once in a while. But as a beast wife you really have to narrow down your style choices.
not going to happen.
Jeans are the worst. The wise beast wife knows that skinny jeans will never grace your husband’s dresser drawers again. But even a straight leg is a gamble because your husband’s calves are abnormally large and can turn a straight leg into a faux flare in a hot second if the calf becomes too strangled. Beast wives need to solicit Levi’s for the “Beast Cut”. And if Levi’s doesn’t respond we should seriously get a Kick Starter going for this. #beastwivesunite
(And if you are a lady beast, you’re in luck. Looks like someone has already designed a special cut just for you.)
So, beast wives, tell me, did I miss anything? Like knowing Hugh Jackman’s PR for a deadlift or trying to schedule social activities around the next big comp? Share the good, bad and ugly behind being a beast wife in a comment below.